Joe asked me to marry him. After 10 years (and the awful failed marriage I experienced), I’m so beyond ready to marry this man. I think we’re finally ready to take a real long term chance. Love is scary but being without him is worse.
Loving You – Long Distance
The changes in my life this year have been significantly challenging. While I’ve been recovering from knee ligament and muscle repair surgery, I’ve also been living on my own. That’s been a positive thing. What’s strange is how happy I am to be alone. I was so tired of having a constant & needy companion. The amount of energy to keep Rory entertained was beyond my abilities to give. His addiction to substance and attention just broke up our friendship and marriage. It was a slow and steady slide to the finish. And now it’s finished, I’m relieved.
Life continues to be a little oyster to grow and explore in.
‘The thought of being with you tomorrow, gives me the strength to get through today.’ – Anon
Falling in love, rekindling love, rediscovering love: I did not think this would happen. I’m estatic that this has happened. The hardest part is being 485 miles apart from each other for the foreseeable immediate future.
I’m in love with the man I’ve loved since I was 24 years old. And he loves me back. Again. We get to try again. The best thing ever is that this is happening.
I’m so excited for this week. I’m traveling to see him. This was not a planned out trip. But his mom is going into surgery Thursday & I want to be there to help.
I just can’t describe it as a feeling that I have, it’s also a bodily experience. The joy of just being with him is sheer elation.
I’m counting down the hours until I can leave. I’m so excited to go-I might even leave Tuesday night! And I doubt it, as a good nights sleep will do me wonders.
I love him. The future is bright. I have faith. And I’m hopeful.
You just start over.
About 20 years ago, my dad was down in his luck in a serious way. While not jobless, he was driving a super-shuttle airport van around LAX, shifts that were long hours, with those long hours spent in commute traffic. And then there was the small but significant detail that he felt he’d been a failure as a father. I’d never seen him as such, but other close people in his life had said certain things about his skills as a dad. Things hadn’t gone the way they were supposed to for my dad. He’d had a marriage ending in a nasty divorce. He kept at this thing we call life, trying to make life work. He lost a job, then had a romantic relationship end, it was one bad thing after the next. And there was a part of him that just didn’t want to give up. Yet, He didn’t know how to restart.
One day a passenger on that super shuttle was a preacher who needed a ride home. He and my father struck up a conversation. And in that span of time on the road, this pastor introduced the following concept to my father; ‘no matter what, you just start over.’
After that drive, my father resolved to do a few things. He did those things, and then completed a few more. He taught himself how to use a computer and the Internet. In the span of a few years, he used his prior real estate industry knowledge to learn an entire new part of that same industry: mortgages. He became his own lending institution, he opened offices in 3 states.
My life lately has really been anything but easy. My husband & I decided to separate, and then divorce, after years of incessant bickering & fighting. I am tired of being put down for expressing myself. I’ve been saddened to see that I’ve been a victim of domestic violence, verbal & emotional abuse. As a survivor of childhood domestic abuse, nothing to do with my dad, the last thing I ever wanted as an adult was to be exposed to more abuse.
And on November 16, I completely dislocated my right knee. That necessitated the repair of both the ACL & PCL. Since the dislocation, I’ve been non-weight bearing on the right side. That will continue until at least January 31st.
So first things first. Before I can walk my dog, I need to be able to put weight on my right leg. I’d like to define some goals for myself this year. I get scared to set goals, because great expectations and then letting yourself down are such a bitch.
But in the spirit of just start over, I’ve decided this amount of knocked on the ground, looking up to the sky while on my ass, bad life events & crap necessitates an major exception. Especially with the second anniversary of my fathers death approaching quickly in a few days.
When I feel like I’m about to swim the English channel, I just need to remember to start in the shallow end of a heated pool. And start.
True mercy & grace perhaps can come from beginning to believe it’s not all a loss after all.
Dad, I love you. And I thank you for allowing me to be your friend as I got older & began to care to listen to your stories.
Scrapbook Layouts
There is a design team call with Simple Scrapper, due 19th of November. The following are examples of my work for submission.
1 page 6×8 layout
2 page 6×8 layout
Left side
Right side
2 page 8×8 layout
Planner Dashboard
4×4 Epic Mini 
Adopting a dog is… Fun!
My husband adopted a dog last week from the San Diego County humane society. We have been looking for weeks at different facilities. We even brought our eight-year-old dog in to meet other dogs at times. No other dog clicked with us the way this one did. We had an excellent experience with the staff at the Escondido location. When I met Rolo, he was in a cage with two other dogs. His hair was so badly matted that he couldn’t see out of his eyes. But he was happy, perky, and a very sweet dog. 
This dog can play tug harder than any other dog I played with. He is destroying the dog toys. And suddenly my eight-year-old dog, who only gets excited about fetch, wants to play with all the toys he has ignored for years.
Oh my goodness gracious, adorable!
He has freckles! Rolo asleep, enough said.
This is Rolo biting his foot. 
Rolo in the lobby of the adoption center, just as we were first taking him home.
This is Rolos first time in our car. He was very excited! He was climbing behind me in the driver seat. He is the first dog I have ever met that thinks jumping behind people on a bed or chair is the right way to get up. Our first impressions of having Rolo this first week is that we are happy to have him. He’s having a good life here. We are darn good doggie parents!
Rolo is a very loving dog. Sadly, in his past, it’s obvious that someone has abused him. He runs away when we’re standing up. The first couple days with us, he ran under the bed to hide. He definitely does not like spray bottles, because he runs away from the sight of those too. He’s afraid of loud noises. He’s jumpy and scared. We can tell that he spent some time as a stray, as he has “Street Smarts”.
Now, onto the next adventure!
Lupus and a social life…an oxymoron at best
One of the hardest issues I’ve had to deal with lupus is not a bodily one. It’s a emotional, soul, and spirit of the heart issue. The innate nature of humankind is to seek out companionship. When I am blessed to find others out there that make me smile, laugh, or really be able to be open and real, then I’ve made a friend. With each friendship or even dating (before I was married), making set plans to spend time with each other is expected. I love seeing my friends! My personal life is so boring and sometimes restrictive that a trip to the grocery store is a planned outing. And the energy spent at the store is enough for the whole day. The challenge of coping with lupus symptoms includes unexpected, unwelcome bad days which can just throw any plans completely off course.
Some people just can’t tolerate that, and it upsets them. It also upsets me, because it is my body’s needs I’m respecting. It’s not personal, planned out, rude or even calculated. It’s not even irresponsible, (dare I say it.) I look forward to the plan for a visit just as much; it’s always so refreshing to see a friend. My friends warm up my awkward and shy heart. 
During these years passing by, I watch my friendships unravel only to experience heartbreak, over again. As my illness has progressed over the years, I’ve lost friends from my childhood and teen years. I’ve lost more recently established friendships. My protective layer or guard is drawn up a bit more each time. Experience of rejection is not a pleasant and glad one. Chronic illness also means that I am lonely oftentimes.
Years before I met my husband, a former flame actually officially broke up with me because of my unpredictability to keep plans. It’s affected my family life and dynamics. In the past few years, my grandma has been hospitalized. My grandpa is a Alzheimer’s patient and needs companionship. My immediate family called for me to help watch him when needed. I couldn’t confidently confirm that I could be there every day. My family turned on me for the faux pas of telling the truth. If I could be somewhere on a regular committed basis, I’d be working like most other people in the prime of their life! They were passive aggressive about it. The last thing in the world I want is a one way ticket to rejection island. (Or a family feud.) And I have been on that trip more than once. Then my dear husband comes to my rescue and rows me back to the shore of our lives.
What chronic illnesses steals from me is the best person I can be daily. I want to be present and active in the world. Instead, I have a reality check about myself. I am limited, yet not derailed. This moment by moment experience includes even the most cherished or important plans being broken. Having to adjust to each thing as the moments pass by is just part of the trial. I only have faith that my challenges have purpose and meaning. That I might be able to do with this good for others would be lovely.
I take comfort from the same promise Jesus has given all of us. There is grace given to me sufficient for only one day. Each day I need to recharge my grace battery and build up my faith in Gods love. I pray each and everyday for the grace of my loving Heavenly Father to get through each day.
******* below is an article from lupus.org on social activities and lupus patients.
Around three quarters of people with lupus say the disease limits their ability to participate in social activities, according to a survey conducted by the Lupus Foundation of America. In May, we asked our followers on Facebook how their friends could better support them in maintaining a social life while living with lupus. In honor of National Friendship Day, we’re sharing some of your advice:
1. “Just simply accept that we have good days, bad days and then there are the really bad days.” – Karrie Mendonca Wood
2. “Please, don’t stop inviting us to things. We may have to say no or pull out at the 11th hour, but we would still love to spend time with you.” – Jude Brennan-Ward
3. “Understand that some days are better than others. Be patient and don’t take it personally if I need to change or cancel plans. I want to do everything, but I have to listen to my body, and sometimes that means rest.” – Cammi Buttner Clara
4. “Come to my house to hang out instead of making me get dressed and drive over to your house. I feel more comfortable in my own home and have all my meds, heating pad, etc at home.” – Nicole Tellor
5. “My friends come over in PJ’s and we have ‘bed picnics’ and watch movies! It’s beautiful.” – Amber Coffee
6. “Understanding is the greatest and simplest way to better support me.” – Patty Gomez
7. “Instead of saying, “call me if you need something,’ offer specific help. Say, ‘I’m coming over Monday night at 6:00, and I can do some of your laundry while we eat take out and watch a movie. Ok?’” – Jonella Williamson
8. “Be patient, supportive and understanding. Love me through the bad days, even when I can’t get out of bed or do anything. Be there for me when I just need someone to talk to or I just need someone to sit with me.” – Vicky Shriber
God, faith and stuff
This is the best way I can to explain my beliefs! And be prepared for a long read! This is long enough, well, to be a little tedious. Sorry.
GOD?
I’d like to imagine myself as a student, and as you have an inquisitive mind also, I thought you might be interested to read on what or who God is. This is not material that has any affiliation with any church. This is a blog post written by a former agnostic, includes commentary by former atheists & very generally sums up the reasons why I felt (throughout my 20s), there was a God. The reasons are still very valid. It is written with a slight bias to convince the reader, as a disclaimer. The only thing that I ask you to take away from it are my scientific reasons to believe in God.
Find that article here:
Did you know that Francis Frick, the co-discover of DNA (1953), actually believed that God exists? After the completion of his lifetime scientific studies on DNA, he then concluded that the chances of life occurring or being statistically possible were so small that life had to have a intentional creator. God, in my opinion, made the universe and everything else in it. God uses his own scientific design to control everything, as astonishing that is to contemplate in my life.
As you may know, I studied world religion in college, because I found it so dynamic! I was always fascinated as to how so many similarities could occur between so many diverse peoples & their geography. For example, there are so many creation stories that involve a garden, or ‘destroy the earth’ stories that include a flood. This was a little bit more of a coincidence to me. This peaked my interest. And as the years passed by, I felt strongly there was so much more to learn.
However, I never doubted the presence of a loving Creator of all existence and my life. I just didn’t know what category I felt best fit my understanding of that unnamed creator.
FAITH IS REALLY, well, REAL!
I have had health challenges literally my entire life. When I was born, the doctor told my parents to name me and prepare for my funeral. Born premature, three months early. 1 lb. 11 oz., 13 inches long; lived three months in an incubator before I could begin to be a healthy newborn. My life, even as an infant, wasn’t ever easy in this body. As I remember the story, most of the other preemies passed away, as my parents vigilantly hovered over my little body, watching the other parents grieving terribly. My entire life has had critical, possibly life-ending moments, over and over again.
I was raised in a very strict, Christian environment. Turns out my original, flawed understanding of Christianity, God and his love was mostly wrong. My understanding had absolutely nothing to do with Christ. It had everything to do with a woman suffering from undiagnosed mental health problems. True Christianity, the real Christ, (the best as I can understand), is very different than what I had experienced as a child at the hands of my mother. My upbringing provided me a basis of what the Bible taught on how to be a good person.
Then came the lupus diagnosis and subsequent years of the challenges that poses even to this day. I’m not sure if what I’m going to say will make sense. It boils down to this. It has to mean something more. If my life story isn’t going to be for a ultimately positive purpose, the point of my fighting for a day at a time is pointless. It has to go back to a higher purpose. These constant challenges have to be the crux or core reason I am here on this Earth. The only thing that keeps me sane is thinking that the end result will be worthwhile. That I’ll have answers to the mystery of my life’s trials, someday.
The psychological need for a reason to suffer from these inescapable bodily trials has literally existed since my birth. Perhaps it was inevitable that I would develop a faith in God & his blessings. My perspective of life developed from an early age, just like most other people. At least I’m objective enough to see this psychological motivation about myself.
Brain Fodder
Knowing that there is always more to learn, I was also sure that the absolute rules presented by the stagnant, traditional Christian viewpoint, were not fitted to my developing viewpoint! The constant finality of the Biblical text has never allowed for any variation or change, and this bothers me. (If you would like, on another occasion, I can tell you why the biblical text exists as it is today.)
Our understanding of the world changes & grows daily. This immobilized, established Christian hierarchy includes a 1700+ year-long status-quo failure to remotely consider or include the possibility of any additional information. How can the established Christian doctrine prove the geographical limits of Jesus’s ministry, just because there is only one commonly accepted written source record? As more fragile manuscripts are found in the future, possibly various other cherished stories about the ministry and atonement of Christ or the Israelites will be translated. These ancient documents are currently seen as academically interesting but not Christian gospel or cannon. These found stories likely will be in conflict with the accepted main teachings, and thus ignored by modern Christian churches and believers. This is happened in the 20th century already, twice. Just look at what happened to the Dead Sea Scrolls or the material found in the Egyptian desert.
And it was the same in the 19th century. Another people’s account of a concurrent experience with Jesus the savior in 33 AD was viewed, maybe, at best as a novelty, and at worst, heresy. The Book of Mormon followed this pattern of being found in the modern age.
The new scripture was published after translation for the worldwide distribution to the incredulous and unquestioning populace. It has never lost its reputation as a very contentious issue. And God-fearing Mormons have been viewed as the scum of Christianity for believing that the new scriptures are Gospel. Then and now, the non-questioning Christian would run screaming from the thought of any other scripture than the canonical Bible.
The Journey
By learning the growth & development of each major religion, I strongly feel that my studies in anthropology and my fascination with sociology has led me to accepting that God exists. My experience is that my faith is real although invisible. And this strange, newly discovered book is true. My studies slowly teach me how to become more like Christ every day. The lesson is simple, while its application in life not always as easy. Love, constantly, is the lesson. It’s kinda mind-blowing deep to consider doing that, loving anyone and everyone who is in our lives.
Each personal answer I received from the questions poised in my prayers add another layer of the story of my new faith. The original & continuing years-long interest in the Worlds religious practices allowed my open-mindedness to consider the possibility that Mormonism was true.
Blessings?
It’s very common when someone has a good thing happen, that person says that something is lucky. For example, someone has a lucky day after they run a red light in front of a police officer but don’t get a ticket? I have begun to challenge myself to change the word ‘lucky’ to the word ‘blessing’ in my own vocabulary. Blessing(s) is the idea that all good things that have happened were given purposefully & consciously by a caring God. Lucky, on the other hand, is the idea that the good thing that happened was random. The lucky moment was not intentionally conjured.
It’s a mind shift, from seeing good things as being random to now having a more purposeful existence as my life unfolds. This is the way that I find it easiest to remember it. There are a variety of blessings, some that are very much personalized.
I questioned whether it was valid and possible that blessings existed. My hesitation toward this blessing thing, when I first heard about it, was skeptical to say the least. Yet, having experienced it, I have to say that the blessings that have come to me/us are definitely not the one size fits all variety. I’m happy to be able to identify the new change & growth in my life as a blessing. That’s why I keep using the word. The definition is a good one, for me. Other people may have a different way of explaining this. Hopefully, this is helpful to you when I use this word.
Oh day planning galore!
I love the fact that paper is not going anywhere. I’m assured it won’t suffer from irreplaceable battery loss. Plus I can make it so pretty to be prepared!
New 2 bedroom Apartment
We’ve waited 6 years for a 2 bedroom apartment. We are finally moving into a 2bedroom apt. That room is 10×14, and believe me I have a plan for every inch! 1/2 of it will be my stepdaughters room for when she visits. But I’ve managed to place my expedit cases (2) in the shape of a L. And I’ll be draping sheer curtains behind the cases, so she kind of will be in her own little world too. Yay! So so so excited as 85% of our apartment is my craft supplies. Hubby is SO HAPPY they’ll be moving to a room with a door. Here is the second bedroom floor plan.
I hope it’ll be as wonderful as I imagine!
Sweetie Designs 