About 20 years ago, my dad was down in his luck in a serious way. While not jobless, he was driving a super-shuttle airport van around LAX, shifts that were long hours, with those long hours spent in commute traffic. And then there was the small but significant detail that he felt he’d been a failure as a father. I’d never seen him as such, but other close people in his life had said certain things about his skills as a dad. Things hadn’t gone the way they were supposed to for my dad. He’d had a marriage ending in a nasty divorce. He kept at this thing we call life, trying to make life work. He lost a job, then had a romantic relationship end, it was one bad thing after the next. And there was a part of him that just didn’t want to give up. Yet, He didn’t know how to restart.
One day a passenger on that super shuttle was a preacher who needed a ride home. He and my father struck up a conversation. And in that span of time on the road, this pastor introduced the following concept to my father; ‘no matter what, you just start over.’
After that drive, my father resolved to do a few things. He did those things, and then completed a few more. He taught himself how to use a computer and the Internet. In the span of a few years, he used his prior real estate industry knowledge to learn an entire new part of that same industry: mortgages. He became his own lending institution, he opened offices in 3 states.
My life lately has really been anything but easy. My husband & I decided to separate, and then divorce, after years of incessant bickering & fighting. I am tired of being put down for expressing myself. I’ve been saddened to see that I’ve been a victim of domestic violence, verbal & emotional abuse. As a survivor of childhood domestic abuse, nothing to do with my dad, the last thing I ever wanted as an adult was to be exposed to more abuse.
And on November 16, I completely dislocated my right knee. That necessitated the repair of both the ACL & PCL. Since the dislocation, I’ve been non-weight bearing on the right side. That will continue until at least January 31st.
So first things first. Before I can walk my dog, I need to be able to put weight on my right leg. I’d like to define some goals for myself this year. I get scared to set goals, because great expectations and then letting yourself down are such a bitch.
But in the spirit of just start over, I’ve decided this amount of knocked on the ground, looking up to the sky while on my ass, bad life events & crap necessitates an major exception. Especially with the second anniversary of my fathers death approaching quickly in a few days.
When I feel like I’m about to swim the English channel, I just need to remember to start in the shallow end of a heated pool. And start.
True mercy & grace perhaps can come from beginning to believe it’s not all a loss after all.
Dad, I love you. And I thank you for allowing me to be your friend as I got older & began to care to listen to your stories.
Sweetie Designs 